Ranting is the Best Way to Recognize Love
by Ad Astra Per Alia Porci
Summary: Javajunkie. Ever wanted to get into the head of Lorelai Gilmore? Here's your chance. And it's on a good day too: the day she realizes she's in love. Oneshot, R&R please.


A/N: Same story, just fixed it as per my first reviewer's request… no more italics and separated. Although I'd like to point out that the only reason that I didn't separate it in the first place was because it's just supposed to be one big long Lorelai monologue. But here you go, enjoy!  
Oh, and just to state the obvious and protect myself from lawsuits… I own nothing.

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"Beer, beer, beer. Ba-ba-bah beer, beer, beer. Oh when we all do gather there's plenty o' good cheer-- that calls for a bottle of beer, beer, beer. Ba-ba-bah beer, beer, beer." What a great commercial… very catchy. Though it doesn't really apply to me. How often to I drink beer? Luke's the beer person… I'm a coffee person. Hehe, that's the understatement of the century. I know, I'll change it to coffee. "Coffee, coffee, coffee, c-c-c coffee, coffee, coffee. Oh when we all do gather there's plenty of…uh…" Hmm, what rhyme with coffee? Moffie, loffie, scoffie. Scoffie! That's gotta be a word, right? Scoff's a word! But is scoffie? Where's Rory when you need her? Ah, well what else is there? Hmmmmmm. Oh! Toffee!! That works!!! Ahem: "Oh when we all do gather there's plenty of good toffee… that calls for a cup of coffee, coffee, coffee. C-c-c coffee, coffee, coffee." YAY!

Oh, but now I've gone and said coffee way too much. I think it's lost all meaning to me… not that I would turn it down if Luke came and gave me a cup… but the word itself been said entirely too often in the last minute. 'Sfunny how that song worked for beer but not coffee, I mean I don't think any less of the word beer…Maybe because coffee's so much longer than beer? When you think about it coffee is a weird name. Coffee. Cof-fee. Cough-E. Really, it has nothing to do with coughing. They should rename it. In fact, I will rename it right now! After all, I've said the damn name so much it doesn't mean anything anymore. Therefore, I will not call it coffee anymore… starting… NOW!

Okay, now it needs another name because I'm gonna have to call it something so that I can still drink it… I'll also have to find a way to let Luke and Rory know about the new name, but I'll worry about that when the time comes. So, it should be named after something that it has some sort of link to… Morning-ee? Elixer-of-Life-ee?Hot-ee – oh, I guess that one's already taken by the teeny bopper scene. Black-cup-o-death-ee? Whoa! I'm so sorry! Channelling Luke there for a minute…I didn't mean that one at all!! Please, I'm sorry! Damn it, now I've gone and angered the 'Coffee Gods.' Ah, dammit! I called it coffee again! Wow, I'm really bad at this game! I need a new name quick. What does coffee rem-- sonnuva, I did it again! I suck! Okay. Concentrate Lorelai; this is important. What else do I think of when I think of… that wonderful liquid? What does it mean to me? I have it every morning… I've already tried morning-ee… what about wake-ee? I guess that's already claimed too: bloody toddlers… okay, what else? It's the only thing that keeps be going… energy-ee -- arg! That sounds the same. Umm, I have it with donuts. Dunk-ee? 'Though I don't really dunk the donuts in the cof—whew. Caught myself that time. 'Kay, moving on. Uh… Luke's has the best c—customer, uh, refuelling liquid. Hehe, refuelling liquid. That might work if it weren't so long. It's too hard to keep saying while begging Luke to give me some – dirty! Oh, duh! Luke! I could call it Luke-ee! He won't let me call him that, but maybe he'll let me call Luke-ee Luke-ee.

So it's settled. That beautiful black scalding drink, which keeps me the witty, crazy, adorable person that I am, will henceforth be known as Luke-ee. And how appropriate too, two of the things that I love most in this world having the same root… really, Luke should be honoured. Ohmygod. Did I just say that I loved Luke? "…two of the things that I love most in this world…" Yup, I did. Right in the middle of a good rant too. I wonder if it's trustworthy; I didn't put a lot of thought into it when I said it… maybe it was just a slip because I changed the name of my favourite-est consumable item to Luke-ee and I got mixed up? But then it could be a Freudian slip. Or maybe the fact that I love Luke enough to link him with coffee—said it again!—is proof in and of itself. Wow, this is getting deep… how did I end up here anyway? Right, "things that I love most". Oh, interesting. I said I loved Luke, which is undeniably true. He's been a constant in my life since we moved to this crazy little town, both as my Luke-ee supplier and my friend, so of course I have grown to love him over the years just as I have all the other wacky town-folk such as Sookie or Babette or Kirk… well not Kirk. Okay, I guess as long as I'm keeping this to myself and no one ever, ever finds out: maybe a little bit Kirk. BUT there is one very distinct difference between say Sookie and Luke. I am dating Luke. I am sleeping with Luke. So I definitely love Luke. But do I love him in the sense that he's the quirky-grumpy-yet-adorable-reliable-and-thoughful-Luke-ee-supplier… or in the sense that he's the man-of-my-dreams-who-I-want-to-marry-and-have-lots-of-sex-and-babies-with? Am I IN love with him? I guess I could be, but then how am I supposed to know… I've never been in love before… well, to the best of my knowledge.

I think a test is in order. So what do they say in movies when they describe love? Well, I always look forward to seeing him, though that could subconsciously be for the Luke-ee which I know will follow his arrival. We get along great; we kinda balance each other out…my happy to his grouchy, his healthy to my, uh, anti-healthy? Whatever, we compliment each other: whatever one lacks the other makes up for. We have a very strong relationship that has overcome anything, it even survived Jess. I can certainly see myself being with Luke long-term and I can't imagine my life without him. But does that mean I'm in love with him? I think about him all the time, more than I ever have before; at least once every two minutes. Everything reminds me of him one way or another… ah-ha! That can be the test! I will pick something absolutely random and if I can go for two minutes without tracing it back to him then I am not in love with him…yet.

Okay, so I can't really pick anything that has to do with Stars Hollow because here all roads lead to Luke… oh, wow. That's not even a metaphor; every road in this town leads through the square and inevitably to Luke's Diner… neat, I'll have to point that out to him later. It could be his new slogan! "All roads lead to Luke's…" Genius! But completely off topic. So, nothing Stars Hollow and I guess that includes Rory, my work, my friends, Luke-ee… I bet even my parents would be a quick link back to him. So something not tied to anything… hmm, oh. Okay, what about a butterfly? Good. Okay, so it's exactly 8:04am… whoa! It's Saturday! Why the hell am I up? Oh, right. I got up with Luke this morning… damn, even the time leads back to him. Okay, focus. I'll wait until 8:05 and then start with my topic… what was it? Butterfly. Do do do dah dah dee dah doo… geez how long is this minute? "Beer, beer, beer. Ba-ba-bah bee--" 8:05. GO!

So, butterflies. They, um, have wings… and fly? That probably shouldn't have been a question. I know that they fly. Flying has been established as a characteristic belonging to the butterfly family. Hey. I wonder if butterflies actually have families? Now, that's a question. Admittedly not one of my best, but still one that deserves some thought. They obviously have parents because… well, how can they not. So they likely have siblings. And most will probably reproduce themselves otherwise they wouldn't have lasted this long. But do they keep in touch or is it like 'okay, you're outta me, so good luck with everything…' and then they fly away? That's be a pretty sweet deal… well, I guess not for the females who have to do the birthing… but for the kids it rocks. Freedom to fly away--whoa! Hang on! Butterflies start off as caterpillars don't they? Oh, well then that settles it. They can't possibly keep in touch with their families because if I were a momma butterfly I certainly wouldn't hang around with my stupid caterpillar kid who is stuck walking around and eating leaves like a chump. Wow, well, now that that's solved… what else do I know about butterflies? Oh! They smell with their feet! Hehe, that's weird. Why do I even know that? I bet I'd be a lot smarter if I didn't have my brain cluttered with all that useless trivia… actually, I'm pretty sure that's not true either. Either? What else wasn't true? Oh right the whole butterflies flying right after birth. Anyway, the human brain has more memory than all the computers in the world combined… right? Long-term memory is pretty much infinite right? I'm sure I read that some where, or more likely heard it in a movie at some point. Damn it! Where's Rory when I need to confirm my weird facts? I suppose it doesn't really matter anyway, I'm only doing this to avoid thinking about—ah, shit.

Well that lasted pretty long. And the official time is…drum roll please: brrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…8:08. Woo-hoo! I passed! Wait, did I want to pass? I suppose passing a test can never really be a bad thing… well unless your testing for AIDs or something… but am I happy that I'm not in love with Luke? I guess it could just be that there really is no way to link butterflies back to Luke. Then again I did link it to Rory. But Rory's generally a happy-go-lucky type kid, and is easier to associate butterflies with… in the sense that she's "all rainbows and butterflies." What an odd saying. There are weirder ones though. "Bob's your uncle." I mean what's up with that? And "cute as a button." Very weird. And let's not forget "a piece of cake." Where did that one come from? Oh, this could be a new game, seeing how many sayings I can come up with. Except there are way too many, and really how do I decide what qualifies as a real saying? It could just be a weird, almost coherent string of words that I put together in my mind and have convinced myself that it's a real saying. I'll need a partner to do this. Or at the very least a judge. I'll play with Luke later…hehe, dirty. And lookit me with the Luke thoughts again within two minutes.

Maybe my original test shouldn't have counted because I was trying not to think back to him. I was purposely trying to find an anti-Luke word. On the bright side, I found one. So if ever I find myself in a situation where I absolutely must not, under any circumstances, think of Luke, I now have an anti-Luke word at the ready. Although I suppose labelling it an "anti-Luke" word kind of links it to him. Damn it. I've pretty much exhausted that subject anyway, it would just get repetitive and there's nothing I hate more than repetitiveness. It's just so repetitive and redundant and repetitive… hehe, that joke never goes out of style. But back to the point, I can't think of anything else about butterflies that could bring about another delightful monologue. They are a fairly isolated creature, for such a beautiful one. Well I suppose that they are used in references a lot… to represent beauty. Oh! There was that really pretty song a while back about butterflies! Okay, well it was pretty when it first came out, and annoying as hell by the time the radio stations were finished with it… "Butterfly kisses." That's the name! Butterfly… kisses… kissing… Luke. Oh and there's the link. Nothing is immune. Not even the charming, eccentric, clever, and would-be independent Lorelai Gilmore. Wow, I do love him. I'm in love with Luke Danes, flannel-man extraordinaire. Why was that so hard to admit? I love Luke. I, Lorelai Gilmore, am madly in love with Luke Danes…

I almost wish I hadn't waited so long to realize it. I should have started dating him the day I stopped calling him Duke. Hehe, Duke. That was classic, I should try and bring that back… I know, I should build a time machine, go back, I dunno, let's say … six years… and tell my past self that the grumpy diner guy with the backwards cap is really prince charming in disguise. Actually, I was so dense back then I probably won't understand. I'll just go back and tell myself bluntly that I am in love with Luke. It'll work out perfectly. Actually maybe I should wait until we have a firm friendship base first. When would have been the ideal time to date him? It probably should be after Max, 'cause that was a pretty good lesson. I learned that ideal isn't always ideal, and it was one of the first big 'things' that Luke and I had to get around… Aww, how about the picnic auction. That would have been such a cute first date. In fact, I'll talk to Luke later and let him know that we've really been together for three years and that was our first date. No wait, that's not necessary. I'll just go back in time and tell myself to make it clear back then that it is a date and then automatically, if the space-time continuum doesn't collapse, Luke and I would have really be in the third year of our relationship.

Okay. So, now I just need to build a time machine… I'm sure there are instructions somewhere on the internet… oh maybe I can even put it in a DeLorean! A 'DeLorelai' if you will. I don't care what Michel says, I'm funny… Oh, if I do, I can go back to the early '80s and pay a visit to Steven Spielberg or Bob Gale or whoever came up with the story and show them my 'DeLorelai' and then I can say that I'm the person responsible for the "Back to the Future" trilogy! They're classic. I love them… although I remember when I first watched them I thought they were ridiculous because I didn't think that time trav-- Oh damn. I wouldn't believe myself even if I did go back to our "first date." I didn't believe in time travel. Well, I guess I'll just have to pick a later time but as early as possible. So when did I start believing in time travel? Um, I think that was when I was watching that movie with uh, Guy Pearce… Is it called "The Time Machine"? Well it's based on those H. G. Wells books so probably. Not the point. I watched that… two weeks ago. Damn! Well, there goes that plan…

Now how am I going to tell myself that I love Luke? Hey. Maybe I should just tell Luke. He won't freak out will he? Nah, I'm pretty sure he loves me too. I bet he's just waiting for me to say it first because that's the way he is… chicken. Hehe, just kidding. He's too sweet and will probably wait for me to say it so that he isn't rushing me. Okay, so… Operation 'DeLorelai' is out. Operation 'Tell Luke' is in. Ugh, I'll work on the name on the way to the diner. Should I do it now? Eh, why not. I mean we have been dating for three years, it's about time one of us said it. And I really could use a nice large cup of Luke-ee. So, it's settled. Now all I need is a travelling song because if movie sequences have taught me nothing else, it has taught me that when going to tell your soul mate that you love them you need a super cool travelling song… It has to be catchy, yet appropriate… I know! "Luke, Luke, Luke. La-la-la Luke, Luke, Luke…"

THE END!


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